i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
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There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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