I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
