Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
