I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
