I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I want her autograph on my taint
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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