No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
