I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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