and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
