Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
