grandma shit on top of the toilet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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