I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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