she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
