shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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