I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
