i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
