Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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