I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
