I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
false alarm, still single
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
