Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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