this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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