If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
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It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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