Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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