areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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