i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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