just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
