pop tarts are not kleenex
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
