i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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