I swear she didn't look like that last week.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
