we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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