my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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