I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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