so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
