Moan for me like Helen Keller
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
this will be a night to untag.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
