Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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