i wish my penis had a tongue
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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