Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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