I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Shame - the story of my life.
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