Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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