dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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