i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
