Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
