The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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