What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
