he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
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Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.