My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
