also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
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But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
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