I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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