if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
In America we eat man semen.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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