dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
