I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I can't turn off my feet"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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