If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize