Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
