I wish my penis had an off switch
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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