is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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