Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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