At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
