Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
