Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
