when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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