Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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