im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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