But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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