I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize