soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
