i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
