my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
